Guys…Don’t Make These 1st Date Mistakes

In my 30 years on this planet, I’ve had some crazy dates, and so have my dozens of girlfriends. Sometimes I think maybe guys don’t know these little things that make a woman cringe and not want to pick up the phone when you call for a 2nd date. So here my friends is a top 5 list of pet peeves for women on a first date…take heed:

1) When you pick her up, knock on the door, texting from outside and saying “I’m here” is thoroughly demeaning to a woman who has any self respect. Ring that bell and show her that chivalry is not dead.

2) If she’s wearing heels, and she obviously took some time to doll up for you, spring for valet, don’t circle the block for a meter and make her take a late night trek in 4 inch heels. If she can suffer through the pain of heels, you can spring for $5 valet.

3) When you get to the restaurant, let her order first, it’s always ladies first. Or if you’re very daring, ask her what she’d like and order for her when the waiter comes, “and the lady will have…”

4) Hands off the merchandise, if you just met her and you’re getting to know each other, don’t move to the same side of the booth, drape your arm around her shoulder and eat from her plate. Always know your audience, if the chemistry is off the charts and she’s giving you come hither eyes then a gentle placement of your hand on hers is enough to build the tension in a sexy way. Don’t go overboard with groping or pet names on the 1st date.

5) When the check comes and she makes the fake “should we split it” offer, appreciate her gesture but turn it down. At the end of the day a man who doesn’t think a woman is worth an extra $40 on a bill, is not a man who should be dating quality women. The thing is that most women today have successful careers and their own disposable income. If the relationship progresses between the 2 of you, they will do plenty to show their appreciation down the line, like lavishing their man with homemade dinners, little gifts and the occasional “dinner’s on me”.

The first date is your opportunity to show her your best side, if you are chronically breaking any of the above 1st date rules, you seriously need to re-vamp your style.

P.S. If you’re crazy about this girl, that doesn’t mean you call her the next morning at 8 am, play it cool and call her the next evening. Even girls like a little cat and mouse.

Who Knew?

So I threw away the rulebook just like I said I would, and I ended up with the best relationship of my life. I spent the last year of my life in an uninterrupted love daze. Mr. Awesome was and is one of the best men I’ve ever known. We laughed, we cried, we screamed, we fought, we made mistakes, we made-out, we broke up, we made up, we made love…but in the end we didn’t make it. He realized that he had his own rulebook and dealbreakers that he wasn’t willing to throw out, how’s that for irony? And so I thought it was time to answer my own question that I posted close to a year ago…are the rules necessary? No they’re not, because what I realized while falling in love with Mr. Awesome is that when you truly love someone, you take the good with the bad and all the things you thought you couldn’t live without pale in comparison to the PERSON you can’t live without. When he ended things he told me that he didn’t think he could make me happy because he didn’t want the things that I wanted yet, and he didn’t think it was fair for me to wait because I’d end up miserable..when he said that I was, I am, crazily enough willing to wait, I think he’s worth the wait. I just can’t get over the hilarity of someone sticking to my rules when I couldn’t stick to them myself. But after weeks of tossing and turning and tyring to fix it with every ounce of my being, I’ve finally decided to give him the time and space he needs to live the life he really wants. I’m trying my best to learn a lesson from all of this and I think the most important thing I learned is that people are so complex and beautiful and if you give it a chance you can have some of the most amazing times of your life with people who you didn’t think you’d share more than a cup of coffee with. It was legen…wait for it….dary.

The Safety List

We all have a safety list right? The top 10, 20, 100 traits we hope to find in our perfect guy or girl. It’s perfectly logical, you live year after year coming in and out of myriad relationships and all those experiences and heartaches add up to your list of dealbreakers and things you absolutely can’t live without. On top of all the relationship battlescars, we have social conditioning, family values, religious differences, throw these all into the mix and it’s a wonder that any 2 people can ever come to terms and establish a long term love affair that stands the test of time. I have a list myself, after each dating fiasco, I open up my list and add 2 or 3 new traits that I never knew I desired until the newest culprit showed me the necessity of adding a west wing to my house of relationship rules.  So you can imagine my surprise when I met Mr. Awesome about 2 weeks ago. Here I was less than a month out of my latest dating fiasco when the seemingly perfect guy had stepped right off my list and sat across from me at the dinner table, and on top of having close to 100% of the traits and qualities I was looking for, he earnestly looked me in the eyes and told me that I was the girl of his dreams and that he was already certain he was in love with me and would spend the rest of his life with me. I usually approach men who make such forward statements with much trepidation, but this guy’s boyish good looks, amazing outlook on life, and sweet smile had me ready to throw out my dating rules handbook. Not so fast lady, this love at first euphoria apparently sizzled by the next day and he disappeared never to be found again. So I dug my dating handbook out of the trash and got back out there. Out there is where I found Mr. Awesome, a man who patiently put up with me when I tried to cancel our first date because I was having a bad day. Flash forward and here I am 2 weeks into late night phone conversations that last 3 hours (I haven’t done that since college) and more honesty and self realization than I thought any man was capable of.  I like him. But what about my list, he’s missing some of my key dealbreakers but I can’t help thinking about him all day long as I work, and anticipating his evening calls with the impatience of a schoolgirl. So I’ve been wondering, does the list really matter? Or should I throw it out the window of a moving vehicle along with my rulebook and just give it a chance? I think I will…stay tuned 🙂

Ships in the Night

“And just like ships, we float through each other’s lives, through the waters of beauty and grace” – lyrics from the song “Ships” by Umbrellas

I was listening to this today, it’s one of my favorite songs because it has such a haunting melody and relevant lyrics. It is not meant to be a love song I suppose, but it makes me think of lost loves and their role in our futures.  I wonder does it ever really end, the affection and love you’ve had for someone just because you are no longer together? A lot of times I feel like, the few men I have truly  loved, at some point will float through my life again. Some people aren’t meant to leave our lives forever. We share moments full of beauty, passion, and a deep soul collection, and then one day circumstance forces us apart. But is it forever? Are we meant to have short times apart only to be brought together again for the next chapter we are meant to co-write in the books of each other’s lives? I’ve been deep in the throes of a nostalgic crisis for one of my exes ever since late last night, in the few short weeks we shared, he was able to take up residence in a corner of my heart that no one has ever touched before. I keep thinking of the moments we shared, the way we’d glance at each other with nervous excitement. I’m in my late 20’s, and I can’t remember the last time I’d felt such a pure and deep affection for anyone, the giddiness that went through me when we were together could only be compared to the crushes of my junior high days, when every new experience fills us with wonder and excitement. These days I keep myself so busy with family, work,  friends, and dating. I’ve been hesitant to fully  admit to myself that I’ve created this flurry of activity to give myself as little free time as possible, because all of that time would be spent sitting and thinking about him, my very own “the one who got away”. My whole life I’ve believed in fate, destiny, and the concept of meant to be. But what does a girl do when the one thing she wants to have some concrete control over, having back the love of her life, is the one thing she can never control? I’ve come to accept the separation in an odd way, and sometimes I think about him and wonder if he took the part of me that was able to fall with such careless abandon. Will I ever feel so strongly for anyone again? It’s so strange to be surrounded by these great guys now, and in the middle of these wonderful, engaging dates, I can’t help but have his name pop into my head. Perhaps it is only a matter of time until I am able to put him away in the treasure chest of my memories and fully move on with my life. Or perhaps, our story is not over and one day, we like two ships, will come to dock in the same harbor and have a second chance at something that ended way too soon. The only thing I know for sure, is that I feel blessed to have been given the opportunity to feel something so strong and authentic for someone in such a short time, to know that part of me exists. If  life is indeed a study in contrasts, then I know now what kind of love I wish for myself, because of the brief interlude of bliss I shared with him. Good luck to all the lovers out there. xoxo

The Prophet…

I was rereading my favorite book The Prophet by Khalil Gibran the other day.  Every time I read his chapters on Love and Marriage,  I feel like my body is overflowing with joy and awe. Gibran has an innate ability to tackle the most complex issues of our lives with poetic simplicity and reach the heart of the matter. When the mystical Prophet is broached on the subject of love, he speaks eloquently,

“When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you….For even as love crowns you so shall be crucify you, Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.”

Gibran views love as something both uplifting and humbling, and tells us lovers, to take pleasure in both the pain and the ecstasy that falling in love can offer. He goes on to say,

“If in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.”

I have found this to be painfully true in my experiences with love. To truly fall in love, means to feel the joy and fulfillment of having your beloved at your side and feel the utter calm and safety of his arms. But, it is also necessary to feel loss, to know the agony of longing for his return, and experience the depths of our own pain. How would we ever come to appreciate joy, beauty, selflessness, love, and affection when it is all we’ve every known? Our lives are a study in contrasts. When we lose someone or something, it is then that we truly appreciate their value in our lives. Perhaps losing love is necessary, so that when we find it again, our new beloved doesn’t feel the pain of being taken for granted by us.

When he goes on to speak about marriage he tells us,

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of heaven dance between you….Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”

Gibran knew that building our entire life around another human being is a surefire way to push that love away. If is in knowing our own passions and joys, and pursuing our dreams with fervor that we are able to bring fulfillment to our partners. There is no need for co-dependence, we must be strong and fulfilled on our own. When your heart is filled with joy, you can then come together and build an empire from love and not neediness. The joy each partner feels can then overflow into the other’s life. Gibran’s writing feels to me like life itself,always bittersweet, he saw the beauty in everything from birth to death and spoke beautifully of the growth we can experience from fully experiencing all of the moments of our lives and learning the lessons of each breath we take.

To read his chapters on love and marriage in full please click on the links below.

LOVE

MARRIAGE

Peace and Light Lovers xox

219 Days of Love…and Counting

I was hanging out with one of my favorite couples last night. They’re in their late 20’s and so deeply in love that every time I see them together a giant smile takes permanent residence on my face. I decided to do an impromptu love interview with them to discover their relationship secrets and what they think it takes to make love work. They met 219 days ago, and they’ve been together ever since. How do I know this information? Well when I asked the guy, Josh, how long they’ve been going out, he said, “We’ve been together 219 days, I remember the night we met. I considered her my girlfriend from that very first week.”  I loved how Josh quickly obliterated the notion that guys don’t remember dates and anniversaries!  Josh met his lovely lady,  Emma, through some friends a few months back. Josh had always been a ladies man, in fact, throughout his dating history he never had to make the first move. See, Josh has that air to him that makes women flock to him and offer up their digits and body measurements in the first sentence. Emma is an equally amazing catch, she is the kind of girl you wish to have as a best friend, she’s warm and inviting, extremely successful in her career, and extremely beautiful but completely humble about just how alluring she is.  Emma’s relationship history included a string of men who’d been too afraid to love a woman of her magnitude, they’d leave her with the line “I don’t want to love you anymore” as they’d exit stage left.  Both Josh and Emma were straight out of a string of unsatisfying relationships and not in any way looking for love or commitment.  As we’ve all heard a million times from happy couples, they found the perfect person when they weren’t even looking. I asked them about the progression of their relationship and how they kept love going strong and they obliged me with a few of their love tips;

1) They always communicate all of their feelings without holding back.

2) When they met neither wanted more than a friendship and loved how easy it was for them to get along. Within a few short hours their chemistry proved to be so strong that they decided to date.

3) They never played the “who called last”, “should I wait a few minutes before I text him back”,  play hard to get game that locks a lot of new couples into a vicious circle of tit for tat, at the expense of real intimacy. In other words they were natural.

4) Their family values, goals for life, and beliefs are in alignment.

5) They support each other 100% in every endeavor. When I asked them to describe being in love, both answered, “It feels like you can do anything in the world, and no one or nothing could hold you back.”

They told me they’d both been in love before but it had never felt quite like this. Josh said, no woman had ever made him want to be a better man the way that Emma did, and now all his hard work and accomplishments had meaning because he was able to share it with her. Towards the end of our discussion, Emma teared up as she explained, “Sometimes I’ll be upset, and I’m crying and he doesn’t even ask what’s wrong, he just holds me quietly until I feel better, who else would do that?!”

I got emotional just listening to their story and wish for every person out there to find a supportive and open love like theirs. Here’s to your  219 days of love and wishing you a lifetime of happy days together. Cheers!

The Male Biological Clock

I have a theory about men and timing. It has been my experience and the experience of some of my closest friends, that even if you meet the man of your dreams, and all the stars are aligned in favor of your love, if he’s not in the place for commitment the relationship is DOA. I wonder how they can walk away from someone who is so obviously perfect for them, the chemistry is there, they have things in common, and the smile never leaves their face when you’re around, then one fated day he ups and leaves with no reason, leaving you baffled because it was going so beautifully. Has this ever happened to you? I think that for a man, in love, timing is EVERYTHING.  After watching enough of my friends go through this I came up with the theory of the male biological clock. Women have this for sure, we get spooked somewhere around our late 20’s to mid 30’s, it varies, and all of  a sudden some of us go into meltdown mode, wondering where on earth is our perfect man and the perfect family that we’re meant to create together.  In the case of men, they can coast along well into their 20’s and 30’s without even having a second thought about marriage, children, or bite your tongue, settling down. In fact, if you are the girl of his dreams, and he’s not ready to meet you because these are not on his list of priorities, then you’re kinda screwed. Oftentimes he’ll go into a panic when he realizes where this relationship is headed because if he continues to like you this much he’s going to have to commit  for fear of losing you. This is a terrifying realization for a man before he’s made a decision to like anyone enough to give up the freedoms of bachelorhood. The tragic breakup ensues, setting in motion a time of self-doubt, excessive analysis, and venting incessantly to any of our friends who are willing to listen about our failed relationship with the perfect man. We wonder what on earth we may have done to push him away? I’m here to answer the question for once and for all, you did NOTHING wrong. In fact, you did everything right, and that terrified him. How many times have you lost the perfect relationship, only to receive a phone call, email, or late night text offering up an apology and begging for the return into your life? This could happen within 2 weeks of the breakup, but in my experience, the less prepared the guy for a substantial relationship, the longer the gap between his departure and return. I’ve had exes come back in hopes of reconciliation as much as 6 years after the initial breakup. The script is oftentimes the same, ” I made a mistake, I didn’t realize how amazing and perfect you were for me, I want another chance.” Why are they coming back? It’s the male biological clock, the second they feel their timer go off signalling to them they want to settle down, the very first thing they do is go back to the girl they remember having the best relationship with, “the one who got away”, more like the one they pushed away! If they are able to get her back, its happily ever after and if not, I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve seen men end up with women that were so ill-suited for them just because they were desperate to settle down. Am I saying that we wait for these men to make their return? No, not at all. Sometimes in life we’re meant to have time apart from the people we love to learn different lessons.  In the end we come back together stronger, and I believe whole heartedly in destiny and what’s meant to be surely will be, so we should remain open to renewing an old love if the time should come and the feelings are still as strong as they once were.  I am, however, also a firm believer in a man being a man, and being strong enough to face his fears and commit to the right woman. In most cases, I don’t think that your true love would let you get away once he’s found you. The trick is to not sit around waiting for that one special guy to come back. We have to get out there and find someone who has the courage to love us the way we deserve to be loved.  Happy Dating!

Wine and Da Vinci

I had the best Valentine’s day of my life this year.  I met the most incredible man at a birthday party and  after months of light flirtation we decided to start dating, setting our very first date to fall on Valentine’s day weekend. The next few weeks were a lovesick blur, full of sappy text messages, sleepless nights because of the sound of my own heart keeping me awake, and dates that made me want to freeze time.  I thought to myself this guy is too good to be true, I’ve never been this happy before, how long could this possibly last? I had the answer unfortunately soon with a phone call from a frazzled young man who was but a fraction of the guy I’d grown to know. He sounded terrified, cold, and slightly confused as he went on to tell me that no one could be more perfect for him in this world but he just couldn’t be in a relationship right now. In one fell swoop he broke my heart and momentarily shattered my faith in love. After a couple of months of sobbing into my morning coffee and wondering why G-d had chosen to play such a cruel joke on little old me, I decided to jump back on the horse. I tentatively made myself a match.com profile and thought lets see what else is out there. My profile mentioned that I’d  rather meet the guy of my dreams at the supermarket, or across a crowded room at a concert, but that for now online dating would suffice.  As I weeded through emails from frog after frog, I came upon a potential Prince Charming. He had sent me a clever little note and pointed out how much he’d liked my line about meeting at a supermarket.  One thing led to another and we started talking and made plans to stage a fake supermarket run-in so that my fantasy could become reality. I thought it was absolutely adorable and went along with it,  I felt like I was starring in my very own romantic comedy and asked him to meet me by the carrots. The day of our date arrived and as I walked around aimlessly in the cereal aisle of my local Whole Foods, I was approached by a cute young man with fabulous style posing the question, ” Do you always go grocery shopping without a basket?” to which I quickly replied, ” Do you always go fake grocery shopping with a basket?”. The day continued in the same comic vein as we bought a bottle of wine and headed to the Getty Museum to check out the Da Vinci exhibit. We sat leisurely on the grass by the garden, drinking our wine and getting to know each other for hours.  He was a lovely man and we had a lovely time, and just like that,  he renewed my faith in love and in men. Lesson learned, a broken heart is a common and necessary evil in the quest for love, but never let it frighten you into stillness. Get back out there and find your perfect love.  I may not have found it yet, but my morning coffee is a lot less salty these days. xoxo…

What’s Going On?

“And so I cry sometimes when I’m lying in bed
Just to get it all out what’s in my head
And I’m, I am feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What’s goin’ on”

-4 None Blondes

I had a date last night with a 20 something Adonis.  He was intelligent, warm, passionate, driven, funny, engaging and extremely handsome. He had a few odd quirks just like the rest of us, that made him all the more endearing, and I’d felt I’d stumbled upon the holy grail of men.  Fast forward to tonight, when I attended a celebration dinner for a dear friend and couldn’t help but overhear the loud party of 20 somethings dining next to us. There were 4 silly little BOYS sitting amongst a large group of stunning and lovely ladies, one friend in common had brought together this intensely motley crew of people. While the girls sat discussing life, love, politics and humorous anecdotes from their days, the guys made their presence known by cursing loudly in mixed company and verbally attacking the wait staff for not bringing their orders fast enough. At one point the leader of the pack decided he deemed one of the girls worthy of his obnoxious flirtations, and offered up the inspired line, “you’re the only hot girl at this table what’s your name?”. I was confused, appalled, intrigued,  and frightened for the future of relationships. How could there be men out there like the Adonis, who treat women like jewels and renew our faith in men? Then you turn the corner and are confronted by the polar opposite; Men who have no respect for anything, who proudly display their worst behavior as badges of honor and expect to be rewarded with an amazing woman on their arms at the end of the night. It makes me think of the Robert Frost poem, “The Road Not Taken”. Its as if at some point in their lives these men are faced with two diverging roads, and more and more of them these days are picking the easy road of selfishness and crude behavior.  Sometimes I feel that women have lowered their standards, some of us are out there settling for crumbs in the way of relationships and interactions with the opposite sex at the expense of the entire dating community. In life people treat us as we have taught them to.  Somewhere along the line, somebody must have made these guys think it was ok to behave this way. Newsflash…its not ok boys! The women of today, with everything going for them have no concrete need for a man in their lives.  Other than craving the joy of companionship and love, a lot of women these days are completely self sufficient, and have no use for the machismo idiocy some of you display. Grow up, learn some conversational skills, and treat ladies like you would if your mother could be a witness to the things you were doing and saying. Maybe it would behoove you to watch a few Cary Grant movies. Peace out!

Love in the Time of Cholera

I finally watched the film  Love in the Time of Cholera last weekend.  Movies about unrequited love always intrigue me, because there is nothing more painfully beautiful than aching for lost love. The film follows the life of an increasingly awkward Colombian man, Florentino, who waits 53 years until he can finally be reunited with the object of his undying affection, Fermina. The most eloquent and ironic part of his journey, is that he deals with the anguish of living without Fermina, whom he never so much as kissed, by temporarily finding solace in the arms of countless other women. He starts to document his escapades in a sex diary of sorts, reaching  around 700 lovers by the end of the film.  Florentina does have a chance to be with his beloved Fermina when they are in their twilight years. Just as they are about to make love, he tells her, I stayed a virgin for you all these years. It is my favorite part of the film, because it is symbolic of his love for her. He wasn’t referring to his body but to his heart. As many women as he’d held in his arms through all those years, no one had held his heart.  I’ve always had a problem with the idea of separating intimacy and lovemaking from actually being in love. I’ve never understood how it is possible to be so vulnerable and exposed with another human being, when you don’t first feel an intense romantic connection.  I imagine, that most women have a similar approach to lovemaking. I think its different for men, allowing someone into their hearts and truly loving another human being is a once in a lifetime experience that transcends their physical body, perhaps that is why they must make due with loveless lovemaking, until their true love can finally come along.